I was born with a dick in my brain, yeah, fucked in the head
My stepfather said that I sucked in the bed
Till one night he snuck in and said
"We're goin' out back, I want my dick sucked in the shed"

"Can't we just play with Teddy Ruxpin instead?"
"After I fuck you in the butt, get some head
Bust a nut, get some rest", the next day my mother said
"I don't know what the fuck's up with this kid"

"The bastard won't even eat nothin', he's fed
He just hung himself in the bedroom, he's dead"
"Debbie, don't let that fucker get you upset
Go in there, stick a fuckin' cigarette to his neck"

"I bet you he's fakin' it, I'll bet you, I'll bet
He probably just wants to see how upset you would get
I'll go handle this of course unless you object?"
"Aw, go fuck his brains out if any's left in his head"

If you could count the skeletons in my closet
Under my bed and up under my faucet
Then you would know I've completely lost it
Is he nuts? No, he's insane

If you could count the skeletons in my closet
Under my bed and up under my faucet
Then you would know I've completely lost it
Is he nuts? No, he's insane

Did you get him? Naw the fucker tried to bite my face off
I just got fuckin' chased off with a chainsaw
Then he took the chainsaw, bit the fuckin' blades off
Ate the blades, stuck a baseball in a slingshot

Then he aimed at his own face, let the thing pop
Took his eye out, picked it up and played ping pong
Then he played ping pong with his own ding dong
That motherfucker's got nuts like King Kong

Then he set the lawnmower out on the dang lawn
And he laid all up underneath it with the thing on
Then he took his pants, he took every fuckin' thing off
Everything 'cept his tank top and his trainin' bra

Ain't he raw? Yeah, maniac, that's Shady Dog
Man, that motherfucker's gangsta, ain't he, dog?
Shady Dog, what be goin' through that fuckin' brain of yours?
Say no more, what the fuck you waitin' for, sing along

If you could count the skeletons in my closet
Under my bed and up under my faucet
Then you would know I've completely lost it
Is he nuts? No, he's insane

If you could count the skeletons in my closet
Under my bed and up under my faucet
Then you would know I've completely lost it
Is he nuts? No, he's insane

Don't you know what feltch means? Yeah, well then tell me
Would you rather get feltched or do the feltchin'?
Fuck 'em in the ass, suck the cum out while you're belchin'
Burp, belch and go back for a second helpin'

Can you dig what I'm sayin', man, could you smell me?
I want you to feel me like my stepfather felt me
Fuck a little puppy, kick the puppy while he's yelpin'
Shady, what the fuck you sayin'? I don't know help me

What the fuck's happenin'? I think I'm fuckin' meltin'
"Marshall, I just love you, boy, I care about your well being"
No Dad, I said, no, I don't need no help peein'
I'm a big boy, I can do it by myself, see

I only get naked when the babysitter tells me
She showed me a movie like 'Nightmare on Elm Street'
But it was X and they called it 'Pubic Hair on Chelsea'
Well, this one's called 'Ass Rape' and we're shootin' the jail scene

If you could count the skeletons in my closet
Under my bed and up under my faucet
Then you would know I've completely lost it
Is he nuts? No, he's insane

If you could count the skeletons in my closet
Under my bed and up under my faucet
Then you would know I've completely lost it
Is he nuts? No, he's insane