Tango: Maureen [The lot. JOANNE is reexamining the cable connections for the umpteenth time.]

[MARK]

And so into the abyss...The lot. Where a small stage is
partially set up.

[JOANNE]

[playing with some wires]
"Line in"...
I went to Harvard for this?

[MARK]

Close on Mark's nose dive.

[JOANNE]

"Line out"...

[MARK]

Will he get out of here alive...?

[JOANNE notices MARK approaching.]

[JOANNE]

Mark?

[MARK]

Hi.

[JOANNE]

I told her not to call you

[MARK]

That's Maureen
But can I help since I'm here

[JOANNE]

I hired an engineer ...

[MARK]

Great!
Well, nice to have met you

[JOANNE]

Wait!
She's three hours late
The samples won't delay
But the cable --

[MARK]

There's another way
Say something -- anything

[JOANNE (into the mike)]

Test -- one, two three --

[MARK]

Anything but that

[JOANNE]

This is weird

[MARK]

It's weird

[JOANNE]

Very weird

[MARK]

f**kin' weird

[JOANNE]

I'm so mad
That I don't know what to do
Fighting with microphones
Freezing down to my bones
And to top it all off
I'm with you

[MARK]

Feel like going insane?
Got a fire in your brain?
And you're thinking of drinking gasoline?

[JOANNE]

As a matter of fact --

[MARK]

Honey, I know this act
It's called the 'Tango Maureen'
The Tango Maureen
It's a dark, dizzy merry-go-round
As she keeps you dangling

[JOANNE]

You're wrong

[MARK]

Your heart she is mangling

[JOANNE]

It's different with me

[MARK]

And you toss and you turn
'Cause her cold eyes can burn
Yet you yearn and you churn and rebound

[JOANNE]

I think I know what you mean

[BOTH]

The Tango Maureen

[MARK]

Has she ever pouted her lips
And called you 'Pookie'

[JOANNE]

Never

[MARK]

Have you ever doubted a kiss or two?

[JOANNE]

This is spooky
Did you swoon when she walked through the door?

[MARK]

Every time -- so be cautious

[JOANNE]

Did she moon over other boys --?

[MARK]

More than moon --

[JOANNE]

I'm getting nauseous
[They begin to dance, with MARK leading.]

[MARK]

Where'd you learn to tango?

[JOANNE]

With the French Ambassador's daughter in her dorm
room at Miss Porter's. And you?

[MARK]

With Nanette Himmelfarb. The Rabbi's daughter at the
Scarsdale Jewish Community Center.

[They switch, and JOANNE leads.]

It's hard to do this backwards.

[JOANNE]

You should try it in heels!
She cheated

[MARK]

She cheated

[JOANNE]

Maureen cheated

[MARK]

f**kin' cheated

[JOANNE]

I'm defeated
I should give up right now

[MARK]

Gotta look on the bright side
With all of your might

[JOANNE]

I'd fall for her still anyhow

[BOTH]

When you're dancing her dance
You don't stand a chance
Her grip of romance
Make you fall

[MARK]

So you think, 'Might as well'

[JOANNE]

"Dance a tango to hell"

[BOTH]

'At least I'll have tangoed at all'
The Tango Maureen
Gotta dance till your diva is through
You pretend to believe her
Cause in the end -- you can't leave her
But the end it will come
Still you have to play dumb
Till you're glum and you bum
And turn blue

[MARK]

Why do we love when she's mean?

[JOANNE]

And she can be so obscene

[MARK]

Try the mike

[JOANNE]

My Maureen (reverb: een, een, een...)

[MARK]

Patched

[JOANNE]

Thanks

[MARK]

You know -- I feel great now!

[JOANNE]

I feel lousy
[The pay phone rings. MARK hands it to JOANNE.]
Honey, we're... [pause] Pookie?!
You never call me Pookie...
Forget it, we're patched.

[She hangs up, looks at MARK.]

[BOTH]

The Tango Maureen!