Master of the House Drinkers:
Come on, you old pest!
Fetch a bottle of your best!
What's the nectar of the day?

Thenardier:
Here try this lot
Guaranteed to hit the spot
Or I'm not Thenardier!

Drinkers:
Give us a glass of rum!
Landlord over here!

Thenardier:
Right away you scum,
Right away Monsieur!

Drinkers:
God, this place has gone to hell
So you tell me every year!
Mine host, Thenardier
He was there, so they say
At the field of Waterloo,
Got there, it's true
When the fight was all through
But he knew just what to do!
Crawling through the mud, so I've heard it said
Picking through the pockets of the English dead
He made a tidy score from the spoils of war!

Thenardier:
My band of soaks, my den of dissolute's
My dirty jokes, my always p**sed as newts
My sons of whores spend there lives in my inn,
Homing pigeons homing in
They fly through my doors,
And their money's good as yours!

Drinkers:
Ain't got a clue what he put into this stew,
Must've scr*ped it off the street.
God what a wine, Chateauneuf du Terpentine,
Must've pressed it with his feet!
Landlord over here
Where's the bloody man?
One more for the road,
One more slug of gin!
Just one more or my old man is gonna do me in...

Thenardier:
Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down
And meet the best innkeeper in town
As for the rest, all of 'em crooks:
Rooking their guests and crooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent
Who's content to be

Master of the house, doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favor
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price!

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
Watering the wine, making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!

Thenardier & Drinkers:
Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone

Thenardier
But lock up your valises
Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!

Enter Monsieur, lay down your load
Unlace your boots, rest from the road
This weighs a ton, travel's a curse
But here we strive to lighten your purse
Here the goose is cooked
Here the fat is fried
And nothing's overlooked
Till I'm satisfied

Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages with this and that
Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges
Plus some little extras on the side!

Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice, there a little cut
Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There are a lot of tricks he knows
How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!

Thenardier & Chorus:
Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Everybody's boon companion
Gives 'em everything he's got

Thenardier:
Dirty bunch of geezers
Jesus! What a sorry little lot!

Mme. Thenardier:
I used to dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?

Master of the house? Isn't worth me spit!
`Comforter, philosopher' and lifelong sh*t!
Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!

Thenardier & Drinkers:
Master of the house!

Mme. Thenardier:
Master and a half!

Thenardier & Drinkers:
Comforter, philosopher

Mme. Thenardier:
Ah, don't make me laugh!

Thenardier & Drinkers:
Servant to the poor, butler to the great

Mme. Thenardier:
Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!

Thenardier & Drinkers:
Everybody bless the landlord!
Everybody bless his spouse!

Thenardier:
Everybody raise a glass

Mme. Thenardier:
Raise it up the master's arse

All
Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!

[Thanks to Sean Flynn, Sandra Gaisford, Sarah for corrections]